Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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