Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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