i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
pray to the hookup gods
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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