she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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