i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
