I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
