My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
