Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
