Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
