let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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