I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
a search helicopter?!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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