So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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