He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
