captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
