In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
