You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
