turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
