gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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