I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
