she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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