I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm getting married
To pizza
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