Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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