i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
