my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
