I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
