I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Is Oprah even human
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
