My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
