I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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