Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
