After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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