when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
