omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
