I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
