I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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