Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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