My hand turned me down
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
