please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
