I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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