you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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