you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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