Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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