She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
