Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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