So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
