Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
