Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
