I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
