My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
