my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
