Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
