You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
